


Can't Walk Without Help

by maychorian



Series: Boom Crash [4]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Families of Choice, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-26
Updated: 2016-09-26
Packaged: 2018-08-17 08:43:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8137637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maychorian/pseuds/maychorian
Summary: Lance is panicking in the middle of a mission. He's weak and worthless and useless once again. He needs help. They shouldn't have split up. Someone needs to get to him, fast.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title from [Letters Home](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jR3AvvGr28Q) by Radical Face.
> 
> Yes, I probably have several more one-shots to come in this series, as well as a multi-chap fic or two. This actually was not one that I meant to write, but it happened anyway, so here it is.

Wrong place, wrong time. It was always the wrong place and the wrong time. But then, was there ever a good time to have a panic attack? At the moment, in the middle of one, Lance couldn't imagine that being true. But at least when this happened back on the Castle of Lions, there was always someone nearby he could grab onto. Hunk, Shiro, Pidge, Coran, even Allura.

But no one was here. Not even Blue.

"C...can anyone h-hear me?" Lance's voice echoed in his own ears, breathless and soft. He was leaning against the wall behind him, hands pressed flat on the smooth metal. His knees were weak and bending beneath him. "Can...can anyone, please... Please, anyone, help. Help me..." He could barely hear himself, the words getting swallowed up in his struggle for air.

It was supposed to be a simple mission. A stealth mission on an almost-abandoned Galra base. The paladins had all piled into Pidge's lion to take advantage of her invisibility cloak and flown in while the castle ship kept the few defenses distracted. They snuck into an unused hangar at the back of the base and took out all the security feeds they could find. Then they had split up, still keeping in constant communication with each other over their headsets as they searched the base for anything that might be useful.

Pidge had found a computer bank and called for Shiro to join her so she could use his arm to power it, and Hunk had found some storage rooms full of Galra missiles that he was currently rigging to blow, and Keith was probably doing something equally important and mission-appropriate. Not Lance, though. Lance had...gotten lost.

At least, he felt lost now. He couldn't remember where he was exactly, mostly because his head was pounding so hard that his vision was starting to black out on the edges. He had found some stairs and headed down, instinctively feeling that anything that the Galra considered to be especially secret would be hidden underground. And yeah, he had found something, all right. A pair of Galra. Not robots. Flesh-and-blood Galra.

He killed them. He had to. They had been talking about the intruders. They had been watching security feeds, had seen them go out one by one, but there was a hidden one in the computer room. They knew where Shiro and Pidge were. One of them was reaching for a communicator on a wall panel to inform the rest of the base. They were going to activate dormant drones, send them after the intruders, and it sounded like they had a lot of resources to call on. More than anyone had expected.

They hadn't seen Lance, hidden around the doorway behind their backs. He didn't think about it. No time to plan. He leaned out and sniped them with two rapid-fire shots.

Just like that, over. Two shots, two dead enemies. And the threat to his teammates was eliminated.

So like an idiot he walked right up to them. Okay, he'd had the presence of mind to be cautious, still holding onto his gun pointed at the ceiling as he slid along the wall, watching the downed Galra without blinking to make sure. But he didn't see anything, he didn't… They'd looked dead, not a flicker, not a twitch, there was no warning...

As soon as he was within striking distance, one of the Galra leaped up, roaring, and lunged for his throat. Hands reached to cut off Lance's breath, claws emerging, swiping with strong, sinewy arms and hands. He was going to strangle Lance, going to kill him by taking away his air.

Lance snapped his weapon down just in time, his eyes flickering to the bleeding hole in the soldier's chest. The one he'd already put there. It hadn't hit the heart through and through, like he'd meant it to. He'd forgotten, aimed for where a human's heart would be instead of a Galra's, stupid, so stupid, how could he have forgotten. But it was already over, he'd already shot him again. This time in the face. Didn't even take time to aim between his eyes. Just shot him in the middle of his roaring, slavering face. Blew it away in a spray of gore, and the Galra soldier fell, and Lance looked at the other one to make sure that he wouldn't jump up, too. But no, that one he'd hit in the back of the head, which was a smoking crater now. So everything was okay on that front.

Then Lance was leaning on the wall, and the bayard was falling from his nerveless grip, and he couldn't breathe. No. _No._ He had to hold it together, he had to... Like that time with the horde of robots, sniping from that tree. He had to hold it together long enough to finish the mission, and _then_ he could collapse. He had to get through this, he had to...

He couldn't. He couldn't. He was an idiot to ever think he'd be able to do this. To be a paladin, a warrior, a brave hero of the universe. He was nothing. Worthless, useless, falling apart in the middle of a mission, but here he was, leaning on the wall and panicking, and Blue. Where was Blue? He couldn't hear her he couldn't hear her couldn't hear anything she was too far away and so was he, too far too far too lost and gone...

"H-help..." he whispered, and it was the last thing he said before his knees gave out and he slid down the wall, gasping and choking. There were voices in his head, distant, yelling, but he couldn't make them out, couldn't hear the words. Stupid. Useless. He wanted to raise his hands, bury his face in them, but he didn't have the strength. All he could do was lean against the wall, limp and boneless and useless and worthless, and give everything he had to the effort of not passing out.

Hands on his face, holding his cheeks. "Lance. Lance!" The hands let go, pulled Lance's helmet off so he could see. There was a face floating in front of him, eyes wide with concern. Dark eyes, pale skin, warm hands. "Lance! Can you hear me? I'm here, I'm right here. I'm here to help you. Can you hear what I'm saying?"

Lance nodded, eyes fluttering as he tried to focus on his teammate. "Keith..." His voice was too soft, too weak. He tried to make it stronger. "Keith."

Keith nodded frantically. "Yeah, it's me. I'm here. I was the closest, but the others are on their way." He held Lance's face in his hands, still, pressing him close and warm. "Just breathe, okay? Just keep breathing. We'll get you out of here as soon as we can."

Lance blinked. A tear ran down his cheek, icy cold, and stained Keith's warm hand. "No... Don't let this...don't let me...ruin the mission..."

"The mission is done, Lance. It's done. We found everything we need to find here already. Nothing's ruined."

Lance gulped. "You...sure?"

Keith nodded. "Yeah, yeah, Pidge said so. She searched the databanks, found everything, it's all downloaded already. Hunk's gonna blow the base as soon as we're far enough out, it's fine, it's fine, everything's taken care of. All you need to worry about now is yourself, okay? Just breathe. The mission's over and you can let go."

"O...okay." Lance closed his eyes. 

He tried to breathe, tried to steady himself. He still couldn't get enough air. His skin was crawling, and all he wanted to do was get this armor _off_ and curl up in a corner where he could break down without anyone looking at him. But he couldn't. He couldn't move. He felt Keith's eyes on him, watching anxiously, and it made him want to yell and cover his face to hide from it all, but he couldn't.

He had to get himself under control. They were still in the middle of a Galra base, still in enemy territory, still in danger even if all goals had already been achieved. He needed to get hold of himself, but he couldn't, and his inability to do so just added to his self-loathing in an endless negative feedback loop. He tried to suck in a breath, but it halted halfway through, his chest unable to rise any further. His mind was full of white sparks and dark swirls, and he sincerely wondered if he was about to pass out on Keith right here and now. It might be a relief.

"Lance, can you hear me?" Keith's voice was far away, as if it was echoing to him from a distant planet. 

"Nnh."

"I don't know what that means." Keith's voice was somehow even more worried. "Was that yes or no?"

Lance forced his eyes open again, blinking as he tried to make out Keith's face through the long, thin tunnel his vision had become. "Yes." Why was it so hard to breathe? He tried to remember what everyone told him every single time he started to panic. There was air here. The pneumonia was gone. No one was putting pressure on his lungs. Everything was okay. 

Somehow, he couldn't believe it when it was only his own voice echoing in his lonely, empty head. He was so messed up, such a screw-up all the time, a bad key in a twisted lock where he just didn't fit, didn't belong, couldn't do anything right. How could he possibly know if what he was thinking was true or not?

Keith looked relieved at the sound of Lance's voice, somehow, so maybe he'd done that one thing at least a little bit right. Keith's gloved fingers curved closer around the planes of his cheeks, still holding him. Part of Lance wanted to push his hands away, wanted to escape that close touch, so warm and gentle and undeserved, and part of him wanted to lean into it and close his eyes.

"Okay," Keith said, his tone trying for encouraging. He shifted himself on his knees in front of Lance on the floor, trying to find a semi-comfortable position. He was settling in for the long haul, like he already knew that it was going to take a lot of hard work to bring Lance back from this. "Okay, that's good. I'm glad you can hear me. So...um. Everything is okay?" He nodded as if in response to his own question. "Everything is okay. You're...having trouble breathing, but it's okay. You can...you can do it. There's air here and, um. You can breathe it."

Lance almost wanted to laugh, but he didn't have the breath for it. Keith was trying. He was trying really hard. He was repeating things he'd heard the others say during Lance's little episodes, but his voice was uncertain and wavering, so it wasn't having quite the same effect for Lance.

Still, Lance did appreciate the effort. A lot. He tried to take a longer, fuller breath, to show Keith that he was succeeding at comforting him. He failed, and the attempt ended in a desperate gasp with his head lifting from the wall, face pulled tight and the tendons on his neck standing out.

Somehow, Keith seemed to find that encouraging anyway. He nodded again, more firmly than before. His fingers pressed Lance's cheeks. "Okay, okay. Good." His voice was stronger, too. "So yeah. You can breathe. And um. Everything is okay. The, uh, the sickness you had, right, that one? The pneumonia. It's gone now. You're fine. Totally healed. You can absolutely breathe now, because everything is okay. I'm here, and Shiro's on the way. Hunk, too. Pidge is going for the green lion, gonna come pick us up so we can get out of here. Everyone's coming. You can't hear them because I took your helmet off, but I can hear their voices, and they're all really worried about you and coming as fast as they can. So don't be scared, okay? Someone better at this than me is gonna be here real soon, and they'll take care of you. You just...you just gotta keep breathing for a little bit longer. Can you do that? Just...just keep breathing, Lance. Please."

Lance jerked out a tiny nod and stared at Keith's face as steadily as he could. Just keep breathing. Yeah, he could do that. For Keith if not for himself. Keith kept talking, a careful, inconsequential patter. Lance stopped listening to the words and just listened to his tone instead, the worry there, the concern. It was...it was really nice of Keith to be so worried about him, even if it made Lance feel guilty all over again for being such a screw-up and endangering the mission. Again. He kept breathing, even though it hurt, even though it pulled uncomfortably at his chest and burned his throat and ached behind his eyes. He breathed, he breathed, and the panic passed.

By the time Shiro and Hunk arrived, it was almost over. Lance was breathing steadily again, though there was a shake still in his hands, in his throat. And in his legs, when Keith released his face and Shiro offered a hand to pull him up. Lance found his feet and stood there, blinking and panting as his knees wavered. His eyes flicked to the dead Galra on the floor, then away, and he put a hand on the wall to hold himself up.

He was exhausted. He wanted to go home. He wanted to feel Blue’s presence in his mind again. Shiro was talking, and Keith put his helmet back on his head, and now he could hear Pidge and Allura and Coran, and none of it mattered much to him at the moment.

"Can...can we leave?" he asked in a small voice, and several voices responded in immediate assent. Hunk's hand rested across his upper back, firm and supportive. Shiro put his arm around him and turned him so that he couldn't see the dead soldiers anymore, the sight hidden by Shiro's body. Keith was holding his other wrist in a loose grip.

They led him to the green lion, surrounding him on all sides, Shiro beside him, Hunk behind so close Lance could feel his breath on his neck, Keith ahead leading him by the hand. Lance let them do it, just let go the way Keith had said he could and let the others take care of him. 

As soon as they were in range of the Castle of Lions, Blue's concern cascaded over him in a flood. Her presence was the final thing he needed to truly relax, and he blew out a slow breath and went limp as he leaned on the wall behind him. He was sitting on the floor in the corner of Pidge's cockpit by this point, knees drawn up, body shivering. Keith was sitting next to him, still gently holding his wrist. Since Keith had been the first to find him in this panicked state, he seemed to have decided that Lance was his responsibility until the crisis had passed. 

Lance didn't mind, particularly, but it felt a little odd. Even after he and Keith had come to an understanding of each other that night watching the stars, they hadn't been all that touchy-feely. Lance had done his best to respect Keith's need for personal space, and Keith had never tried to break out of it on his own. Except for the daily exposure therapy sessions, of course, but Lance didn't think those counted.

Now, he let his head rest on Keith's shoulder and closed his eyes, falling inward into Blue's voice. He assured her that he was fine, he wasn't hurt, he'd just gotten spooked and lost control of himself for a little while. She could feel how much he had missed her, though, no matter what he said. After a few moments she just wrapped her presence, her power and her warmth, around his inner self. And she stayed there, purring low and strong and comforting. He let her love for him vibrate through his being and was still.

Back at the castle, Shiro offered Lance a hand up again. He took it and let himself be hauled to his feet. They disembarked from the green lion in a clump, Lance again surrounded on all sides, this time with Pidge also on his right with an arm wrapped around his waist while Keith led from the front still holding his wrist. On the floor of the hangar, Shiro took off his helmet, then turned to Lance and took his shoulders in his hands.

"Lance, this wasn't your fault." 

Lance blinked at him.

Shiro's face was very serious. He gave him a small, sad smile. "That's where your mind is going, right? You panicked in the middle of a mission, so you're feeling like you shouldn't have been there in the first place. That you're bad at your job, not worthy to be a paladin. Hopefully Blue is in your head right now telling you, again, that that isn't true, but I wanted to tell you myself too. Do you understand?"

Lance swallowed and nodded. Hunk's hand pressed against his back, and Keith squeezed his wrist.

Shiro blew out a breath. "I know you're tired. Go and take a nap. We'll debrief in a couple of hours. But don't let yourself think that you're weak and useless, okay? If those thoughts start popping up in your head again, I want you to fight them. Talk back at the voice saying that stuff. Tell it that it's a liar. Blue will help you. And we'll discuss ways to fix this so it won't happen again in the future. For now, though, just rest and recover. Everything is okay." 

He held Lance's shoulders a little tighter and leaned forward to touch his forehead to Lance's. His eyes slid shut, and Lance closed his eyes too. Shiro's voice lowered as if this was meant just for the two of them, though the other three could hear him. "You did a good job, Lance. You kept the team safe. Good job, soldier. You can relax now."

Lance's hands were trembling. The rest of him, too. But he managed a nod, small and sincere. Shiro released him and stood back, giving him another warm smile. Blue purred, and Pidge wrapped her other arm around him and pushed her head against his shoulder in a hard little hug.

He slept. It was dark and deep and restful, his dreams edged with blue and gold. He felt that he was floating in a warm ocean, waves lapping over his limbs and washing his body clean of the stink of space. He heard his younger siblings and cousins playing on the beach. Someone was grilling fish. The sun was bright behind his closed eyelids, but not overpowering. Everything was okay.

Later, as promised, they had their debriefing. Usually they did this in a training room or the control deck, sitting around a table with an imaging device so they could watch footage of whatever battle they'd fought and discuss what went right, what went wrong, what to improve for the future. Today they did it in the lounge, sitting on the couches. Shiro took his place at Lance's side without a word, slinging an arm around his back and pulling him in close. Lance leaned against him the way he had done many times before, head lolling on Shiro's shoulder. This was the normal procedure now when they had to talk about something that was going to be difficult for Lance. Hunk usually took the spot on Lance's other side, but today it was Keith.

Allura and Coran sat across the circle from Lance, watching him sympathetically. "All right," Allura said. "Let's go over what happened."

The paladins took turns telling about their various experiences in the base, starting with Pidge. They let Lance go last, so he had a chance to listen to everyone else and put his own path into perspective. Turned out Keith had gotten lost, too, or at least he hadn't found anything useful to do before he heard Lance's call for help and hustled to his location. When Coran turned to Lance, eyebrows raised and fingers poised over his tablet device to take notes, Lance was ready.

"I didn't find anything at first, just wandered around like everyone else. Then I found some stairs and headed down, 'cause I figured if the Galra had anything secret going on, they might do it underground."

Coran nodded. "A reasonable assumption."

"There wasn't much, though, just a lot of empty rooms, some dormant drones tucked away in alcoves. Then I found their security headquarters, I guess. A couple of soldiers were there, yelling at each other about all the feeds that had gone out. I snuck up to the door and listened. They still had one camera in the computer room where Pidge and Shiro had gone, and they were going to activate all the dormant drones and send them to that location. I couldn't let that happen, so I leaned in the doorway and shot them both."

Shiro held him tighter, but he didn't say anything. Still, Lance felt his gratitude. He took a shaky breath, then went on. "I screwed it up, though. It should have been two shots, two kills, but one of them wasn't dead. I shot the wrong target—human heart instead of Galra heart. Stupid mistake. But yeah, when I went inside to scope the room, that one jumped up and reached for me." Lance's throat was dry. He swallowed against it, remembering that slavering face, the claws reaching for his throat. "I shot him again. Better late than never. But yeah, then I went and immediately had a stupid panic attack." His hand clenched in his lap, trembling. "Couldn't...couldn't control it. I can't, I... What if it happens again? What if I have a panic attack at a bad time, again, and put everyone in danger with my stupidity and uselessness?"

Several people made irritated and pained noises, including Allura. Coran frowned. Keith reached over and grabbed Lance's fist, then forced his fingers apart and slid his palm in the way so Lance couldn't clench so hard if he didn't want to hurt him. Lance blew out a breath in exasperation. They just wouldn't let him be, would they?

"First off," Coran said, his voice clipped. "It is not stupidity, and it is not uselessness. We've talked about this before, and I know it takes time to sink in, but please do try to remember. Your mind is still wounded, and it may take a long time to heal. This is the first time it's affected you in the middle of a mission, because up till now you have always been able to compartmentalize your pain and fear until we had time as a team to deal with it. But the fact that you could not, this time, is not a mark of weakness on your part." His voice went much, much softer, his eyes watching Lance gently. "Do try to remember that, my dear boy. This was not your fault."

Lance pressed his lips together, but could not bring himself to agree, not even with a nod. Allura lifted her hands to draw his attention, and he looked to her.

"Also," she said, "try to remember when exactly it was that you began to panic. Was it before or after you were sure that the threat had been eliminated?"

Lance frowned. "Well...it was after, I guess. One Galra was missing a face, and the other the back of his head, and that was when I started having trouble breathing."

Allura nodded firmly, as if she had expected nothing else. "So you weren't exactly 'in the middle of a mission,' were you? You had done your part, and your mind accepted that both you and your team were safe, and then it allowed you to feel how frightened you were."

"But...I was still in the middle of the base. There could have been other soldiers around. I hadn't searched every room. There was no way to know. But my stup... Sorry. My _not quite genius-level_ brain decided that that was an okay time to have a breakdown anyway."

"Yes, that is a problem," Coran admitted reluctantly. "But it still was not your fault. If we had the luxury of time and proper procedures, a soldier wounded the way you are would be taken off the front lines and allowed time to fully heal before being thrust back into battle." He sighed deeply. "Unfortunately, we have to muddle through as we are. I am truly, deeply sorry for that, Lance." He nodded to Shiro. "And you also, Shiro. We ask far too much of you, of all of you, and we are aware of that."

Shiro nodded solemnly, his chin brushing Lance's hair. "I appreciate that. But you're right. The Galra are not going to give us the time and space we need to heal. We have to fight on with all the resources we have. But there must be other things we can do to prevent this happening in the future."

"Yeah," Pidge piped up. "I was thinking about that. The second we got far enough away from the castle that Lance couldn't hear Blue anymore, he had to sit down on the floor, the loss hit him so hard. He said he was fine, he could get through the mission on his own, but what if he didn't have to? Next time, maybe we should just take Blue."

Allura nodded. "That is one option, yes, at least on missions that don't require the highest stealth. Also, perhaps when you need to split up, you should do it in pairs from now on."

Hunk counted on his fingers, then held up his hand, five fingers spread. "Uh, Princess, I'm all for the buddy system, but..."

Allura smiled. "Yes, I am aware that a group of five does not split into even pairs. But at least until Lance's hurts are fully healed, we should ensure that he is not sent off alone."

Lance shifted uncomfortably. He wanted to protest that he didn't need a babysitter, but he couldn't. It was kind of true.

Keith held his hand a little tighter. "Hey." Lance looked at him. Keith was scowling. "It's not because you're weak. Haven't we been saying that? You have... It's like if you had a twisted ankle, right? Even if you could walk pretty good on it, and you had to because of circumstances or whatever, you would still keep it wrapped up as much as you could. Until you didn't have to anymore."

Lance managed a sideways smile at that. "Are you volunteering to be my Ace bandage, dude?"

Keith wrinkled his nose, but he nodded. "If you want me to. Sure."

"Hey," Hunk protested. "If anyone should be Lance's Ace bandage, it's me. We've been friends the longest."

Shiro squeezed him tighter, a low growl rumbling in his chest and vibrating Lance's head. "I think you're all forgetting that I'm the leader, here. I'll decide who splits up with who."

"No fair," Pidge said. "You already got to have an adventure with Lance. Give the rest of us a turn."

"Paladins, focus," Allura said, but there was a grin in her voice. 

Lance relaxed against Shiro, listening to it all. They kept discussing it, offering more ideas for how to deal with this in the future, but no one suggested that he stay behind. No one suggested getting another blue paladin. Everyone wanted him, everyone wanted to be with him, no matter how troublesome he could be. The relief was almost more than he could bear.

 _Of course other pilots want my Lance,_ Blue rumbled in the back of his head, low and complacent. _My Lance is wonderful and amazing and adorable and sweet. Wanted and loved. Pilots are only speaking truth. My Lance should know this by now._

Lance smiled, soft and deep. _I'm learning. Thank you, Blue._

Blue purred in his ear, content. And, at least for the moment, Lance was content, too. He didn't know what else the future held. Didn't know if the image of Ragnak that still came back once or twice a day would be joined with two new faces now. Didn't know if he would have nightmares, if he would break down like this again, in the middle of a mission or not. But his team was with him, and they were all ready and willing to deal with it no matter what they had to do.

So he was okay. Everything was okay. Or it would be, eventually. That was all he needed to know.


End file.
